Judging Judgement
Words really matter.
This week I would like to reflect on the role that judgment plays in our lives. Judgment is a very powerful word, powerful through both thought and action. Judgment is the conclusion we draw from the decisions we reach at the end of each thought. We all make judgments every time we decide something is right or wrong, good or bad. Thoughts such as “I should or I shouldn’t.” are also forms of judgment. I am writing about judgment this week because I am becoming more and more aware of the significant role that judgment plays in keeping us from practicing self-compassion.
Most dictionaries define judgment as a choice or opinion shared after examining and comparing information and making a decision. We typically define judgment as a thought or action being right or wrong. We all have thoughts that are judgmental. Our brains are wired to judge based on our morals, values, and beliefs from the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to sleep at night. Many of our thoughts are filled with opinions about and criticism of ourselves or others. Consider how many times you have “judged” since you woke up this morning.
We are also surrounded by the judgment of others every time we turn on our television or check our social media. Think about all of the world issues we are surrounded with every moment of every day as we “stay connected.” Important topics such as abortion, global warming, war, and politics churn continually and engage us mentally, emotionally and sometimes cause physically destructive thoughts. This is when judgment creeps in. As we determine that someone or something is wrong, we create internal energy that needs to correct, control, convince, or change a person or a situation. We default to using the word “should” which ignites blaming, complaining, and condemning – sometimes consciously, but most often subconsciously.
When we determine that we ourselves are wrong in some way, we cultivate inner thoughts of how we “should” be and this results in feelings of inadequacy. This thinking can then further develop into seeing ourselves and others as “things” that need to be fixed. This path of thinking becomes a major blocker in practicing self-compassion. I have come to believe that judgment is actually the antithesis of practicing self-compassion. Further, I am learning that if we allow judgment to rule our brain, we pass the practices of judgment onto our families and friends. We create a culture around us that is engulfed in judgment rather than driven by love and compassion.
Contrast this path with the practices of self-compassion. We have learned that practicing self-compassion engages three healthy actions into our daily routines. Self-compassion routines and actions actually shift our inner conscious and subconscious thoughts from judgment to acceptance, understanding, and love. We shift from our more cerebral, brain-based processes and ground our thoughts and actions in our feelings and our hearts. What a different life we create when we shift these thought patterns.
As we consider self-compassion practices, remember that we are never alone. We are, each one of us, members of a greater humanity. Everyone on earth suffers and feels pain every day. We are never alone, despite the fact that when we feel pain and suffer, we feel the most isolated, as though no one has ever walked on our “blueprint.” By practicing mindfulness we create an internal awareness and connection to our inner dialogue. That inner dialogue often invades our subconscious, and negatively impacts our thought and action patterns. By redirecting these thought patterns, we make connections to a healthier loving acceptance and understanding. There is an internal peace that follows this transition.
Finally, there is the practice of self-kindness. This is the most challenging element of self-compassion because it often feels selfish. It feels more natural to default to our internal self-critical voice of judgment, and get stuck. We then walk in deep, thick mud. The negative feelings of the experience override any attempt we make to understand how we landed there. I believe self-kindness is the most important element of our self-compassion practices. If you walk away with one new practice this week, I would encourage you to formulate it around being kind to yourself. Take control of your inner dialogue. Become more aware of it. Send messages to yourself that offer support and love. These messages could be very simple like “You did your best.” or “Let this go, it is just a moment in time.”
When we show ourselves the same loving kindness that we practice with our family and friends, we create a new pathway for loving others more deeply and unconditionally. We need to figure out how to do this so often that it no longer feels foreign or selfish. I encourage you to integrate this practice into your day to day life during the following weeks.
Until then, be safe, be mindful and be kind to yourself.